inability to filter

I just realized something. It is the answer to a question that has confused me for a long time. Why do I relate so strongly to the character of River Tam, when her disability comes from an overabundance of perception, and mine comes from a lack of it? But this is not exactly the issue.

As I recently realized, my current problems have more to do with my lack of practice controlling my own perception. I related it to a person who has been blind from birth gaining sight. These people are often overwhelmed, because their brain has no practice filtering all this visual information it receives every moment. Some have to wear dark glasses when they are in unfamiliar or busy places, basically to keep from going insane.

When I changed my diet, I gained a sixth sense. At first I could only perceive it in a very general way, a warm glow of friendship, like the glow a baby sees when they have not learned to focus their eyes.  But the more I learned to use this sixth sense, the more I found myself hiding from the deluge of information I gathered.

Even though I gained this sense later than most people, I have hope of learning to process and deal with the new information, and where I can’t filter out enough, I can learn to avoid more problematic situations.

I was at least expecting and wanting these changes. River had a more difficult adjustment. She was very good at filtering and using her perceptions, and the evil scientists took out the part of her brain she used to filter them. It’s a very different situation, and yet it leaves a strikingly similar deficit in functionality. A mind wide open to all the feelings in the world, and no tools to filter them. No wonder she’s crazy.

I don’t know how the writers and actress got it so right, most of the time. I don’t think many others have been in my situation.

It was only recently that I gained the realization that my current issues are more from too much information than too little. I’m not an Aspie anymore, I’m definitely more of a River. It was only today that I realized I’d answered that question that bothered me. The intense emotion in the music that my friends like to listen to affects me too much. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest and it is rather unpleasant. It kind of makes me nauseated actually. And I said to myself, “I can’t not feel.” That’s when I made the connection.

I’m not sure why, but music without a strong beat usually has this effect on me. I feel like my soul is being wrung like a dishtowel and tied into knots. It sucks me dry of all my emotional energy. All I can do is sit and be miserable.

Music with a strong beat sucks out my energy too, but the beat allows me to get a handle on that energy, ration it out and put it to use. For example, I like to listen to loud music while doing housework.

I’m guessing I should refer back to my two previous posts about what’s up with my brain, so here:  The first one The second one

Also, in case this subject intrigues you, here are my fan fictions containing River: Individual Feet
Even So, Mei Miao


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